Want some honest but funny parenting advice about newborns? Here goes. You’re going to feel like you don’t know what the hell you’re doing and that’s OK.
My Thoughts Then On Being A Parent To A Newborn
I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing.
Parenting Tip #1
Why is my baby making that noise?
You’ll find yourself asking this question countless times after the baby gets home from the hospital. Usually, the sounds are normal, you’re just freaking the hell out.
It’s almost like an odd sound in a car. “Why is my baby making that noise?” you’ll ask other parents, strangers on the street, doctors, anyone will to talk to a crazy a person.
The truth is that your child is due for a tire rotation, and also, EVERY KID MAKES THAT NOISE! GET OVER IT!
Parenting Tip #2
Pooping in the tub ruined a Xmas tradition.
There was a point where I was positive pooping in the tub was an activity done solely when dad was alone to give baths. The Kid only has a couple bath dumps on the resume but The Baby has several, several bullet points on the resume. Pooping in the tub is in her objective statement. Pooping in the tub is her area of expertise. Pooping in the tub will be the name of a TED Talk.
The most memorable pooping in the tub incident involved both kids, what I thought was a brown washcloth, Santa Claus and a frustrated dad. Long story short, The Baby took a dump in the bathtub while both kids were in the tub. I screamed “She pooped!” and the Kid jumped out of the tub like Bo Duke over the hot hood of the General Lee.
This situation wasn’t covered in the stay-at-home dad survival guide.
The tub had to be drained, the bath toys had to be tossed and the bathtub needed to be bleached before both kids got back in to finish the bath. Not to mention The Baby had shit streaks down her butt and legs so that had to be cleaned up and I don’t know why there are so many sirens outside maybe there’s an emergency on the block or….
“SANTA CLAUS!” the Kid screamed, completely naked and dripping with shit water as he ran down the steps and onto the front porch and now the Baby had to check out the commotion and both kids are naked and soaking wet and the porch is about 30 degrees and Santa and the local fire company are caroling down the street with the siren blaring and they’re throwing candy out everyone out on the street and waving at two naked kids and their father standing at the front door.
Visions of shitty tubs danced in my head.
Parenting Tip #3
It’s one of the most common occurrences in parenting and something every new mom and dad experiences in the early days of a child’s life.
You look down at your beautiful newborn baby and wonder…
Why’s The Baby’s Face Changing Color Like That?!?
Most of the time, a baby’s face changes color because he or she is taking a big, steaming dump. A dump you’re going to have to change…again…for like the hundredth time that day.
A baby’s face color will also give a warning sign if there’s going to be a need for more wipes or possibly a call to the fire department for the BIG hose. There’s going to be poop everywhere.
You’re going to want to powerwash once, wait a day, then powerwash again. Repeat this process until the child leaves for college.
The baby’s face will eventually turn a pleasant shade of rosy and happy while you’re cursing yourself for getting baby poop on your shirt.
Parenting Tip #4
Why Is My Child Always Trying To Pee On Me?
New parents might be frequently asking “Why is my child always trying to pee on me?”
Well, honestly, he’s really not trying to pee on you. It just might seem that way.
In truth, he’s trying to piss on himself.
The baby is always trying to do things to himself first because humans are naturally curious. He’s just got really bad aim.
It won’t get any better, you’ll be cleaning piss off the toilet rim FOR YEARS.
Instead of asking “why is my child always trying to pee on me?” instead ask the question “how can I piss on my child and make it look like an accident?”
You’ll need to figure that out on your own.
If you do, let me know.
Parenting Tip #5
Parenting Tip #6
Why Your Child Is Just Like A Drunk College Student
I never realized going to college would prepare me for being a parent.
A drunk college student and little kid act exactly the same. There’s no reasoning with either. There’s no point trying to keep them upright, they’re just going to fall again. They want to continue drinking (milk or booze) even as it dribbles down their face. You can’t understand a drunk or kid when they’re crying.
If given a choice, however, I’d rather be responsible for a newborn.
A drunk college kid taking a dump in his pants is way more disgusting and much tougher to clean up.
Parenting Tip #7
Pacing back and forth. It started after finding out she was pregnant and how we’d handle it, afford it, pay for it and tell our parents.
Pacing back and forth in the delivery room and outside the delivery room during a last minute C-section.
Pacing back and forth in the hospital room when the kid just WOULDN’T STOP CRYING.
Pacing back and forth in the living room when the kid just WOULDN’T STOP CRYING.
Up and back, up and back each night when the baby wouldn’t fall asleep, when I couldn’t fall asleep, when the next day felt like every other day and the same day all wrapped into one.
Another kid?!? Really? Are we sure? No, you don’t have to pee on a stick in front of me! I believe…oh you’re peeing right there, aren’t you. Ok, we’re doing that…
Does it all even really help with anxiety?
And it’s more back and forth in front of the delivery room, in the hospital room, in her bedroom, outside in the hallway when she went down WAY TOO EASY or slept WAY TOO LONG.
On the night before the first day of
- swimming class
- summer camp
- pre-school for the second kid
- any and every other reason to be nervous
And the pacing back and forth will continue until I just can’t walk anymore because I’ll never be completely at ease with being a parent.
I’m going to need an incredibly sturdy wheelchair.
Parenting Tip #8
Dressing like your kid should be avoided at all costs. Sometimes it happens by mistake. That’s fine. Just don’t purposely look like an infant, and also, don’t make an infant look like a 30-year-old schlub.
It happens more frequently than people realize but I blame clothing manufacturers. I’m not sure which came first, very chicken or the egg, but at some point adult male clothing started to mirror toddler clothes or toddler clothes started to look like shrunken garments from a Fashionable Male catalog.
Walk into one of those giant Gap stores, find a men’s shirt, ask if it comes in midget and the clerk will walk you over to the kid’s section and hand you the exact same shirt.
If you’re a parent purposely going out in public dressed like your kid, you’re a turd. Unless it’s for a specific reason like a family photo or you’re all ugly so it really doesn’t matter.
Leaving the house dressed like your kid means you’ve checked out, packed it in, given up on your life. Don’t give up yet. Not yet, man. There’s still plenty of time.
Until you hit 50, and then life is basically over. Dress however you want at that point, no one is paying attention to you anyway.
“Why’s that man wearing a onsie?”
Free Parenting Tip
Breast milk in the eyeball. We did this. No lie. We shot breastmilk in the Kid’s eye. His mom just lined his face up and SQUIRT right in the eyeball.
He had eye gook. Not pink eye but something that caused his eyes to stick together. One of the parenting books said breastmilk was the answer and it was and it worked but it was weird. I mean, how does that remedy happen? Was it an accident? A last ditch effort? Does breastmilk cure many ailments, not just with babies, but with adults.
Allegedly breastmilk cures a ton of stuff. Amazing. Know what it can’t do? Make coffee taste better. In fact, it makes it taste worse. It was fun to squirt it into my cup though.
Parenting Tip #9
Every person I met had a “baby” voice. It sounds exactly like the voice people use to talk to animals. They would talk in a regular voice to me and turn around and talk to the baby in a high-pitched, happy voice.
I guess it’s better than talking to a newborn as if you’re coworkers.
“Phil, how was the weekend? Good? Do anything exciting? Crapped your pants four times and didn’t sleep much? That’s not good. You should see a doctor about both issues. Oh, you’re only 4 months old? Good point. Well, have that account file in my inbox before lunch.”
Strangers still talk to my kids in an odd voice. Especially the people who really have no interest in talking to kids – mine or anyone else’s kids – but they feel obligated to ask questions.
“What’s your name again?”
Talking to kids doesn’t have to be hard if you just treat them like miniature adults. Miniature adults who’ll interrupt your questions to talk about LEGOs.
Parenting Tip #10
“The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round the wheels on the bus go round and round, and daddy should learn to rest.”
It’s been a few years since I’ve sung any of the classic kid’s songs like “The Wheels On The Bus” or “Old MacDonald” or “Please Stop Crying You’re Killing Daddy’s Buzz.” That last song was an original composure by yours truly.
I don’t miss any of those classic kid’s songs at all. They’re all pretty mind-numbing and often never-ending. It’s impossible to run out of parts of a bus or animals on a farm.
Thomas d’Urfey is credited with writing “Old MacDonald.” Now there’s an accomplishment to put high up on the resume.
“It says here, Mr. d’Urfey, that you wrote the song Old MacDonald. My kids adore that ditty. Is that true?”
“Tis’ true sir.”
“Fascinating. How did you come up with the idea?”
“I went to a farm.”
“Brilliant! Got any other songs in the works?”
“I’m thinking about doing a number about the parts of a bus, once it’s invented.”
Parenting Tip #11
This is a rant about the diaper genie.
Overall, a useful product. It did its job. It stored a good number of dirty diapers without stinking up a room. Unless you popped open the lid. This simple maneuver unleashed the sevens scents from hell into the air.
Here’s my issue with a tube full of baby turds wrapped in biodegradable material. Why not just throw the diaper in a garbage pail outside the house? Why let it hang around any longer than normal?
When adults drop a number #2, the refuse is immediately flushed out into the sewer where it becomes someone else’s problem. Why are parents keeping massive bags of dirty diapers inside the house? And not just in the house but in the same room where a child sleeps and plays for most of the day?
“You can play with anything in the room baby, just don’t touch that giant bucket of your own feces.”
Humans are weird.
Parenting Tip #12
First round of shots. Going to be a lot of squirming and crying. I’m referring to mommy.
Doctor visits are much more difficult now that the kids are old enough to know we’re going to the doctor’s office and what might possibly happen.
“Dad, are we getting shots today?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you know?”
“Because I’m not the doctor and don’t have your medical charts. I’m sure there are no shots today.”
One hour later and each kid gets 7 shots.
“So, um, I know you’re both under 8 but want to go look at cars? I’ll buy you each one.”
Parenting Tip #13
There will be songs that torture you as a parent. Songs that kids will want to hear over and over, will sing in the car, at dinner, while sitting on the toilet and any time that’s probably not the best time to sing.
Those kid’s songs stuck in your head for months. They’re torture.
You’ll randomly hum them while doing yard work.
You’ll mutter a couple of lines first thing in the morning.
The kid’s songs stuck in your head will crawl into your subconscious and live. Certain lyrics will set off a rage inside your brain. Kinda like when Bucky Barnes hears that secret code and turns into the Winter Soldier.
I’d be washing the dishes and a Fresh Beat Band tune would spill from my lips and I’d just go mentally blank.
And then one day, after those songs disappear out of your kid’s life. Those kid’s songs stuck in your head will disappear from your life.
They won’t show up for years.
Until you’re in the car one day and…
“Dad, what was that song we sang all the time on the way to preschool…”
And then the words come out of their mouths and your eyes glaze over and…
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My Thoughts On Being A Parent Now:
But does any parenting really know what lies ahead? You can read all the parenting books, ask other parents for advice and fake it until you make it.
I still have no idea what the hell I’m doing but I’m much better at admitting it, dealing with it, and finding more secure hiding places.
Why I Ignored The Baby’s First Words
Most parents would sound the horns and throw a parade about baby’s first words. I pretended I didn’t hear them….
It sounds like “Dada” but it’s more of a Dad/Dat hybrid. With a dab of, well, dab.
The Permanent Roommate sprung off the couch. She gave me the “you heard that right?” look that has become commonplace. She just asked me with her eyes if he said “Da-da” and I just asked her using a series of blinks if there was meatloaf left over from dinner.
Excuse my lack of “Holy shit!” but I’m praying he doesn’t learn how to say Dad first. I mean, of course, I want him to say Dad, but not while I’m with him all day. Let this kid say Momma first and the next kid, when I’m gone for eight hours a day in the office, that one can say Dad first because it will make me feel a little less like I’m neglecting him or her after staying home with baby numero uno. Actually, it might make me feel worse. TBD.
Show off. Now I’m going to feel terrible in those moments of the day when I’m just not paying attention to the kid. Far and few, but occasionally I’ll zone out watching TV or stare into a bowl of soup and ponder the eventual possibility of time travel and if ninth grade will be as easy as I remember.
Saying Dad means he knows who I am.
Saying Dad means he can get my attention while I whistle Gonna Go Back In Time from Back To The Future into my bowl of Minestrone.
“Sounds like he is saying damn to me. Must have learned that filthy language from Mommy.”
She called me an asshole with her eyes.
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