Funny Parenting Quotes Every Mom & Dad Needs To Read

parenting quotes funny famous

Funny Parenting Quotes

Here’s the great thing about all these parenting quotes — they prove you’re not alone.

You know those moments when you think “I have to be the only parent who’s gone through this stuff”?




Well, NOPE! You’re not the first and you certainly won’t be the last.

These parenting quotes from people like George Carlin, Dr. Spock, Better Davis and Jerry Seinfeld let you know you’re not alone.

Not that you’ve ever really felt alone because THE KIDS ARE ALWAYS AROUND!

Funny Parenting Quotes

“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor

“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” – Anonymous

“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” – Benjamin Spock

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” ― James Baldwin

“Before I had kids, I always found it funny how people would talk about their children like they were the cutest things on the planet and how every little thing they did was endlessly fascinating. Now that I’ve had kids, I can say with certainty that, my children really are the cutest things on this planet and every little thing they do is endlessly fascinating…” ― Jennifer Miller

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” – Paul Reiser

“Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.” – Phyllis Diller

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.” ― Barbara Johnson

“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” – Eat Pray Love

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” ― Dorothy Parker

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” – Ed Asner

“It’s impossible to protect your kids against disappointment in life.” ― Nicholas Sparks

“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” — Andy Richter




“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.” ― Jodi Picoult

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” ― Franklin P. Adams

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.” ― George Carlin

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck

“Adults are just outdated children.” — Dr. Seuss

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” — Red Buttons

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children and now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

“I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.” ― Brian Andreas

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Funny Parenting Quotes For Moms

“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown

“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close & whisper ‘You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.’” — Rob Delaney

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” – Nia Vardalos

“Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” — Robert Browning

“All mothers are working mothers.” – Phyllis Diller

“You go through big chunks of time where you’re just thinking, ‘This is impossible—oh, this is impossible.’ And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible.” — Tina Fey 

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Honest Parenting Quotes For Dads

“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda

“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds

“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell

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“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.” — Conan O’Brien

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” ― Jim Valvano

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Real quotes about having children

“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano




“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” – Dorothy Parker

“You will always be your child’s favorite toy.” – Vicki Lansky

“I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.” – Tina Fey

“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or ask your kids not to do it.” – Malcolm Kushner

“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford

“My daughter’s only 6 months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge but honestly, it’s absolute garbage.” — Ryan Reynolds

“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” — Jim Gaffigan

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Funny quotes about being siblings

“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.” — Lemony Snicket

“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.” — Sam Levenson

“Your siblings are the only people in the world who know what it’s like to have been brought up the way you were.” — Betsy Cohen

“I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers.” – Maya Angelou

“Half the time when brothers wrestle, it’s just an excuse to hug each other.” – James Patterson

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope

“Brothers don’t hit each other, they just high-five on face.” – Unknown

“A sister is both your mirror – and your opposite.” – Elizabeth Fishel

“When sisters stand shoulder to shoulder, who stands a chance against us?” – Pam Brown

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Which was your favorite funny parenting quote? Do you have a parenting quote you love that we missed? Let us know in the comments.

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