30 Hilarious Parenting Quotes Every Mom & Dad Needs To Hear

This is the great thing about these parenting quotes — they prove you’re not alone.

You know those moments when you think “I have to be the only parent who’s gone through this stuff” well NOPE! You’re not the first and you certainly won’t be the last.

These parenting quotes from people like George Carlin, Dr. Spock, Better Davis and Jerry Seinfeld let you know you’re not alone. Not that you’ve ever really felt alone because THE KIDS ARE ALWAYS AROUND!

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Funny Parenting Quotes

“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” —Joyce Armor

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“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” ― Benjamin Spock

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” ― James Baldwin

“Before I had kids, I always found it funny how people would talk about their children like they were the cutest things on the planet and how every little thing they did was endlessly fascinating. Now that I’ve had kids, I can say with certainty that, my children really are the cutest things on this planet and every little thing they do is endlessly fascinating…” ― Jennifer Miller

parenting quotes

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” -Paul Reiser

“Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.” — Phyllis Diller

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.” ― Barbara Johnson

“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” – Eat Pray Love

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“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” ― Dorothy Parker

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck

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“Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” — Ed Asner

“It’s impossible to protect your kids against disappointment in life.” ― Nicholas Sparks

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“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.” ― Jodi Picoult

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“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” ― Franklin P. Adams

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.” ― George Carlin

“Adults are just outdated children.” — Dr. Seuss

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“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” ― Jim Valvano

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” Red Buttons

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children and now I have six children and no theories.” John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

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“I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
― Brian Andreas

Which was your favorite funny parenting quote? Do you have a parenting quote you love that we missed? Let us know in the comments.

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