Best Dad Jokes You’ve Probably Never Heard – Unless You Have A Father

best dad jokes

I wrote a clean joke book. It almost killed me.

Figuratively.

Here are some of the best dad jokes that made it into the final book and a few more I wish I heard before the book went to press.

Best Dad Jokes You’ve Probably Never Heard

  • My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
  • My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
  • What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A banana-na.
  • A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
  • Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

“My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me.”

  • I told my son I’m named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I respond, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
  • Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
  • The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald, duck!”
  • A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender.”
  • “I’ll call you later.” “Don’t call me later, call me Dad.”

“Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse.”

  • My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
  • How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  • A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
  • Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
  • WAITRESS: “Soup or salad?” DAD: “I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”

“What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.”

  • Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  • Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
  • I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.
  • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
  • Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
  • Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
  • 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Best Dad Jokes From Reddit r/ dadjokes

dad jokes

    • What’s Ironman without the suit? Stark naked.
    • If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
    • I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
    • As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
    • I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.
    • What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
    • A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused, I’d never met herbivore.
    • What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
    • My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.
    • I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that’s just my two scents.

Dad Jokes With Will Ferrell vs. Mark Wahlberg

Joke Books Every Dad Should Own

  1. Dad Jokes: Good, Clean Fun for All Ages!
  2. Dad Jokes: Terribly Good Dad Jokes (Volume 1)
  3. 101 So Bad, They’re Good Dad Jokes
  4. Dad Jokes: The Punniest Joke Book Ever
  5. The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes

What Is A Dad Joke?

During the book writing process, I remember the editor saying in several email conversations to “concentrate on the dad joke.”

Sure. That’s easy enough. But first, please explain, “what the hell is a dad joke?!?”

I mean I know what people consider to be the hallmarks of a dad joke.

Short.

Punny.

Usually told hundreds of times but in a way that makes it sound like it’s the first time.

What exactly classifies a joke as a dad joke? Is it the age of the joke teller? Does a joke automatically become a dad joke if the man telling it is over 40? What if a woman or teen boy tells the same joke? Is it still a “dad joke?”

And finally, are all of my post-it notes merely impeccably written dad jokes? I’m a father. They’re humorous. Are they automatically lumped along with other eye-rollers like “What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”

The Perfect Dad Joke

best dad jokes

“I think a dad joke,” explains Daniel Kibblesmith, “and just to be clear, ‘dad joke’ gets thrown around a lot more, but there’s no shortage of moms doing this kind of material — has to be groan-inducing. Right from the get-go, you’re not looking for a laugh. It’s a weird combination of wanting attention, but setting yourself up to fail.”

Kibblesmith is an expert on joke writing. It’s how he makes his living. He’s a writer on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” and author of the hilarious and heartwarming new book Santa’s Husband. Offering a fresh twist on Kris Kringle, Santa’s Husband is a witty and heartfelt book that tells the story of a black Santa, his white husband, and their life in the North Pole.

With a book tackling all those topics, it’s obvious that Kibblesmith has a sense of humor.

Kibblesmith and I broke down the intricacies of dad jokes and precisely what makes this type of humor both loved and loathed.

“It doesn’t have to be a pun, but given the general acceptance of puns as groaners, it’ go-to. You can also play dumb about something, in a way that is so deadpan that it doesn’t land as a joke and you’re actually inconveniencing someone. My favorite dad joke oft-performed by my dad is whenever the server in a restaurant sets down the bread in front of him, he says, “I didn’t order this.” Get it? No one ORDERS the bread!”

The prototypical dad joke also occasionally creeps its way into Kibblesmith’s day job.

“Stephen Colbert is a real Capital D ‘Dad,’ so I think he makes them work, but they’re usually more like incredibly self-indulgent puns, that have — on occasion — been known to trigger a disembodied hand reaching up from beneath the desk to high-five him afterward.” 

A Dad Joke Writing In Training

While not yet a father, Kibblesmith is already in training when the day arrives.

“Just this weekend, my wife and I were at the airport. I ask her what gate we were going to, and she says ‘C-8.’ I reply, ‘Go Fish.’ The worst part is that I wasn’t even thinking of the right game, I probably meant to say, ‘You sunk my Battleship.’ So yeah, I’m ready to be a parent.”

Classic.

Alright, I know you have one, so let’s hear it. Leave your best dad jokes in the comments, and if it makes me laugh, I’ll add it to the list AND send you a copy of Daniel Kibblesmith’s new book Santa’s Husband.

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2 Comments on “Best Dad Jokes You’ve Probably Never Heard – Unless You Have A Father”

  1. My wife and I had not been married long when I started a dumb gag. While watching TV together, the announcer would say, “The following program is close-captioned for the hearing impaired.”
    I asked her, “What did he say?”
    “He said, ‘The following pro…….Oh, YOU!”
    When the next program came on, she’d fall for it again. And the next. She would laugh or throw a pillow.

    She was thinking of that dumb gag when friends came to visit and meet her for the first time. We were setting up a picnic in the park when she asked, “You want to know what Jim’s favorite thing to do to me is?”
    My friend immediately replied, “Marilyn, please, there are children present!”
    That laugh was WAY better than her tattle-tale story would have gotten.

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