Parenting Tip #390 – Ugh, Public Bathrooms

public bathrooms Parenting tip #373

I’ve never been inside a women’s restroom.


Ok, there was one time, around the age of nine. I walked into the wrong bathroom at a deli. It was a single person bathroom and I didn’t notice my mistake until bumping into an old woman going into the bathroom.

She gave me the side eye as I held the door open for her and noticed the female icon on the side of the door.

You’re never going to believe this but men are goddamn disgusting.

I hate taking my daughter into public bathrooms. I don’t even like using men’s restrooms. In an emergency, I’ll suck it up, but overall I’ll avoid touching anything. This means using the bathroom Mission Impossible-style, hanging mid-air over a toilet.

Maybe that’s the reason restrooms are so damn horrific.

The more public the bathroom, the more unsightly the conditions.

And MY GOD, the bathrooms at community parks and playground. Especially those restrooms that are nothing more enclosed and cozier port-o-johns.

“Hi, lady I don’t know walking into the bathroom. My daughter needs to use the facilities and I’m too frightened for our safety to take her into the men’s room.

Could you escort her into the ladies bathroom? I’ll wait outside.

You don’t have to wipe her, just tell her to walk outside with her pants down and I’ll take care of the rest. Just don’t let her touch anything. 

No, the men’s room isn’t closed, it just looks like the outtakes from the new Predator movie inside. 

Oh, you don’t believe me? 

(opens restroom door) 

I’m sorry you both had to see that. I’m not sure how poop gets on a ceiling either. I’ll call the Guinness Records people while you two are in the most-likely cleaner bathroom.”

Parenting Tip #391 – Seriously, Get Ready For Toilet Humor

How To Use Public Bathrooms

“One of the cleanest spots is usually the toilet seat. A lot of people will wipe it all day, and [cleaners] tend to use disinfectants on it,” says Chuck Gerba, Ph.D., a professor of microbiology and environmental sciences at the University of Arizona.

Huh. Who knew.

As for every other surface, DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

If you’re looking for the best way to use public bathrooms, consult this helpful guide on how to use a public toilet from Greatist.

These tips include not squatting or hovering above the toilet, because it’s pointless. (But what am I going to do with all the rope tied around my waist?!?!)

And don’t just protect yourself, protect your personal items. Resting your phone on top of the toilet paper dispenser or putting your purse on the floor is just as likely to get random poop bacteria all over your persons.

While you’re attempting to keep your family germ free, here are some tips on avoiding the common cold.

Good luck and maybe just hold it until you get home.

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