When Parents Try To Netflix And Chill

Netflix and Chill for parents

Netflix and chill.

If you’re unfamiliar, it’s a popular term with young adults and involves “watching a movie” and “possibly making us grandparents at a young age.”

It means a male or a female are going over to a partner’s house to bang with Netflix on in the background. Ugh, millennials.

This is what usually happens when adults with small children attempt to watch a movie and possibly screw around. It’s Netflix and Chill for parents.

Netflix and Chill for parents

Dad: “Are the kids asleep?”
Mom: “The kids are in bed. Asleep is a different story.”
Dad: “Are you going to do work tonight?”
Mom: “No, I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m just going to watch some TV and go to bed when I know they’ve passed out for the night.”
Dad: “Ok. Want to watch something on Netflix and just…chill?”
Mom: “Um, yeah, sure. But no super hero shows.”
Dad: “But you liked Daredevil!”
Mom: “I didn’t like it. I tolerated it.”
Dad: “Like I tolerate the Housewives?”
Mom: “Those ladies are my super heroes.”
Dad: “Absolutely. Every single one has the face of plastic man.”
Mom: “How about just a sitcom? A show where I don’t have to think or get involved in a plot. I’m in no mood to think.”
Dad: “We’ve seen almost every show and the ones we’ve avoided have been on purpose. Movie?”
Mom: “Great, sure, a movie. But nothing I’d actually want to watch because it will either keep me up because I’m interested or I’ll fall asleep and have to watch the second half at a different time but I’ll never actually get to the second half and I’ll just keep watching the first half a movie over and over again.”
Dad: “Fine. You choose.”
Mom: “This movie looks interesting enough and it’s got that girl that you like in it.”
Dad: “What girl?”
Mom: “The one from that TV show. You said she was one of the best looking women on TV.”
Dad: “When did I say that?”
Mom: “I don’t remember. You say many thing I remember and you don’t. You might have early onset of dementia. I might get to decorate this house again soon if that’s the case.”
Dad: “Just start the movie.”

Movie begins, five minutes pass…

Mom: “What are you doing?”
Dad: “I’m cuddling.”
Mom: “You’ve got a hand on my boob.”
Dad: “Yeah and?”
Mom: “We’re not having sex.”
Dad: “Why not?!?!”
Mom: “Because for one the kids are probably still awake, secondly I haven’t taken a shower today and finally because I said we’re not having sex. Weren’t you listening before when I said I was exhausted?”
Dad: “I thought you meant ‘too exhausted to work’ but not to mess around.”
Mom: “Having sex is as exhausting as work. Especially the pretending it’s enjoyable part.”
Dad: “But you agreed to Netflix and chill?”
Mom: “What the hell does that mean?”
Dad: “You don’t know what Netflix and chill means?”
Mom: “No, should I?”
Dad: “Well, you’ve got two kids who’ll one day be teens and…hold on.”

Dad pulls phone from pocket to do a web search and hands mom a phone

Mom: “This is known thing? People call it this?”
Dad: “Yeah, like college kids and stuff. I mean we used to do it all the time before the kids. We didn’t have a name for it. If we did it would be like ‘Blockbuster and chill’ or if the last person didn’t rewind the video it would be like ‘Rewind, Blockbuster and Chill’ but…
Mom: “And you thought by asking me to Netflix and chill that we would have sex?”
Dad: “YES!”
Mom: “And that’s foreplay now? How about something a little more romantic like, oh I don’t know, acting out emojis? Or maybe just put your penis on my shoulder?”
Dad: “Would those work? And did you just think I used the word chill in conversation? When have I ever used the word chill besides talking about wine or the weather?”
Mom: “Well I don’t know. You occasionally use slang way under your age. The other night you called that waiter ‘bro.'”
Dad: “I did not.”
Mom: “Yes you did. You handed him the check and said ‘thanks again, bro.'”
Dad: “Bro is acceptable. I’d never say we should chill. If I use chill in conversation it’s grounds for taking me to the neurologist. It means I’m finally losing it.”
Mom: “Should I pause this? We’ve missed a good chunk of the plot.”
Dad: “Are we having sex?”
Mom: “Ughhhhh…but I haven’t showered.”
Dad: “I won’t go down there. I’ll remain above the belly button at all times while the ride is in motion.”
Mom: “Didn’t we just have sex?”
Dad: “The last time was nine months before our youngest son was born. He’s now 7.”
Mom: “Ok, chill with the guilt. Alright, fine, but I’m not doing anything. We’re just having sex.”
Dad: “Fair enough. I don’t even have all the tools for the sex swing installation anyway.”
Mom: “And turn off all the lights and shut all the blinds.”
Dad: “Blockbuster and chill felt like way less prep.”
Mom: “Actually, maybe leave one light on, the house being pitch dark at 8:30 looks odd and ARE YOU NAKED ALREADY?!?”
Dad: “Time is never on our side, dear. Gotta skip to the good stuff.”

“DADDDD! DADDDDDDDDD! My sound machine stopped working!”

Dad: “Of course it did! Of course it fucking did! It knew we were about to have sex!”
Mom: “You’re showing like no chill right now, bro.”
Dad: “Funny. That’s…funny.”

Dad retreats upstairs for less than a minute to return and find…

Dad: “No way! No damn way! You can not be asleep already. I wasn’t even gone a minute!”
Mom: “Come on, just let me sleep. I promise we’ll have sex tomorrow night.”
Dad: “You suck. You always do this.”
Mom: “Tomorrow night. I swear. We’ll make it a big deal. I’ll even shave.”

She kisses him goodnight and goes upstairs…

“Daaaaad! DAAAADDDDDDD! I can’t find my bunny!”

Dad: “Ugh, killing me bro. Killing me!”

WHAT TO READ NEXT

Click for more funny parenting advice and follow me on FACEBOOK, TWITTER, INSTAGRAM or get occasional EMAILS about all my stuff.

JUST FOR PARENTS

New dad baby shower package 2

New Dad Baby Shower Gift Set

Need a baby shower gift for a new dad? Here’s the perfect package, personalized by me!
2019 Daily Parenting Calendar

Official 2019 Message With A Bottle Calendar

Death Before Decaf

Death Before Decaf

Don't ever let anyone tell you they drink coffee "for the taste."
New Dad Dictionary Book

The New Dad Dictionary

Everything dads need to know, from A to Z.

One Comment on “When Parents Try To Netflix And Chill”

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.