Why I’m So F*cking Over The ‘Mommy Dating Game’

I’m so over the mommy dating game. What’s the mommy dating game, you ask?

It’s this awful experiment in social awkwardness that nearly always results in a disaster because you didn’t find out enough about each other before agreeing to get together.

You think you’re compatible because you met at the pool and share the same sentiment about how hard it is to chase after a couple of kids. Then you go on a play date at which she casually says something racist, and you’re like, “Well, this sucks.”

The solution is simple: I’m going to start an online mommy dating service specifically for mommy dating game players. Maybe I’ll call it Play Dating. Or Stretch Mark Sisters. Or OurTimeOut.com.

Whatever. I’ll figure out the name later. The point is, we need a place where mommies can check out other mommies ahead of time and get a clear picture of who is cool and who is going to be mind-numbingly bland. On this site, you can seek out a random play date or look for a lifelong bestie. No playing games, no coy profiles. We’re too old and tired to try to impress each other anymore.

I have already put together my mommy dating profile, because I’m an overachiever (must remember to include that about myself):

Username: MommyNeverSleeps
Blurb about me: I put the “oooo” in “saggy boobs”
Seeking: Mommies in their 30s who don’t mind the F word and agree that Caillou is a total dick
Within: A PBS-show-length of time from my house
Relationship: Married to a great man who occasionally does and says asinine things about which I need to vent sometimes
Kids: Two cherubs who dress up as monsters on occasion, ages 2 and 4
Body type: Athletic with stretch marks and a legal but happy blood alcohol concentration whenever it’s safe to do so
Faith: I’m cool with your beliefs if you’re cool with mine and don’t try to “save” me or make me uncomfortable by talking about Jesus the entire play date.
Politics: I’m like, Bill Maher liberal. So a Rush Limbaugh conservative and I probably wouldn’t jive well. But I won’t rule it out.
Smoke: No
Drink: Now? Yes, I’d like a drink now. Yes, I do realize it’s 11 a.m.
Her idea of a great play date: Kids upstairs, adults downstairs
Likes: Exercise, Tina Fey, homemade popcorn, respectful political incorrectness, dogs, dark chocolate, outdoor activities, vegetables and the occasional Netflix binge
Dislikes: Poor grammar, guns, the Steelers, pineapple and people who don’t appreciate cheese

More about me:

I think my kids are awesome, but I don’t put them on a pedestal. I eat organic when possible but have definitely been at a drive-through in the past month. I own essential oils and bleach. I once tried to use herbs to treat an issue my son had and immediately regretted it and went to the doctor for a prescription.

I need to be able to go to a play date looking like I just survived a tour in the Middle East, and I need the mommy greeting me at the door to be like, “I totally get it. Here’s a mimosa.” In return, I will welcome you into my half-clean, half-dog-hair-decorated home and have a really amazing cheese plate waiting for you along with sarcastic remarks that will either make you laugh or make you feel better about your parenting skills.

Bonus points if any of the following is true:

  • Your kids never sleep, either.
  • You like talking about current events and other topics that have NOTHING to do with children.
  • You won’t give me the side eye when you see me feed my kids something sugary and GMO
  • You think that a girls’ night would be awesome but understand that when the time for it rolls around if I’m just like, “Dude, I’m tired.”

If you agree that kids can be assholes and wine solves problems, then this friendship might work.

Holler.

Kate Meier has two kids and zero tolerance for people who criticize parents for bullshit reasons. Go enjoy her sarcastic sense of humor at her blog, My Kind of Parenting, or here on Facebook.

Click for more funny parenting advice and follow me on FACEBOOKTWITTERINSTAGRAM or get occasional EMAILS about all my stuff.

 

33 Comments on “Why I’m So F*cking Over The ‘Mommy Dating Game’”

    1. Oh, holy crap, that sounded creepy! I did not mean for that to sound creepy!

      I meant that I would get along great with you and if I were on that Mommy Dating site and my profile would be very similar.

      That’s what I meant.

      Damn. This is awkward.

      1. Dudette, the same thing popped into my head immediately, and I don’t think it was creepy or awkward at all. No one’s judging you. 😉

        Although, they may be judging me now for using the word, “dudette.”

  1. I think you’re my soulmate mom. The mommy dating game is aweful and awkward. Especially for people who moved away from pre-kid friends.

  2. We had a connection, for a second it flickered, I like Rush, what can I say, but then we were there again. But it all came to a crashing halt with the cheese. I hate cheese. The smell. The taste. The texture. Just no. And that’s why we need this site. Crisis averted!

  3. OMG, I’ll be your friend. I’m perhaps slightly less interested in the exercise, although lately my guilt is perhaps starting to change my perspective and priorities. Don’t have a dog, but do have 2 & 4 yr old monsters who like to dress up as princesses every now and again, or was it the other way around? Either way, wonderful article – definitely hits the mark on how it feels trying to make new (additional) friends because all of my current friends have decided not to have kids, or realized it’s too late to start.

  4. This I would signup for! What’s the membership fee gonna be? Tell me it’s a bottle of wine… that is a lot easier to explain to the hubs then telling him that $$ is going to a playdate. 😉

  5. We could be soulmates! But please don’t tell my husband 😉 he may get jealous.

    This is a fantastic idea. I have met some fab ladies and a few doozies!

  6. Minus the mimosas (I’m allergic, you can drink away though), we could totally hang. You would be more than welcomed at my cat hair decorated home, as long as the dogs don’t mind the betrayal.

  7. I don’t know how to do the mommy-play date version of sending you twelve dozen roses, or buying you really expensive meat in an attempt to get you to take off your bra (not for anything sexual, but because really, those things are torture devices), so instead I’ll be over here trying to figure out a way to take out Caillou in an attempt to impress you. All these years later, I finally understand the guy who shot John Lennon.

    P.S. If you’re anywhere near South Orange County, California, I’ll be glad to bring the wine in coffee thermoses to the playground of your choice.

  8. Totally on the same page. We’ll just have to avoid sports talk, because I’m a Steelers fan. But we could totally mommy date otherwise.

  9. So, um….where do you live? You bring the wine, I have the cheese platter ready to go. Kids will be upstairs and we get the family room…….does today work??

  10. You are not gonna like me, I do grammar mistakes because English is not my first language and guess what! I came from that Middle East that could make you look horrible if you are just done touring there! See we don’t match !!!!

  11. Ooh will you be my friend! Love cheese, and patron! Drop f bombs all the time, but I don’t exercise and my 3 daughters are teenagers….I’m 35 and I could give u insight on wtf happens the day they turn 11 ?

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