17 Things I Plan On Doing To My Kid’s First Car Just For Payback!

First Car For Kids

Someday my kids are going to have their own cars, and it’s going to be an awesome opportunity for revenge. Here are a few things I plan to do in my children’s first new rides so that they will understand how tolerant I was of their back seat bullshit.

Crap my pants while in the McDonalds drive-thru.

Shove Silly Putty between the seats.

Hide a container of milk beneath the front seat on a sunny day.

Write “fart” on the back seat on the first car.

Argue with the driver over whether or not he needs to use the blinker when pulling into his own driveway.

Unbuckle and fart on the driver while stopped at a red light.

Make it rain granola.

Chew up a gummy bear, decide I don’t like it, and insist on spitting it into the hand of the driver.

Climb inside their first car with dog crap on my shoes.

Scream because I don’t want to wear my seatbelt.

Take my pants off while on a drive to Wal-Mart.

Shove French fries into all reachable crevices.

Throw my shoe at a passenger.

Repeatedly touch the person sitting next to me.

Place a booger on my tongue and show it to everyone in the car.

Leave a half eaten lunch under the front seat for an entire summer.

Invent a lame talent on the fly and insist that the driver watch me do it while we are on the freeway.

I doubt I will have the audacity to do any of this. But it’s fun to imagine… isn’t it? What would you like to do in your children’s first car?

Clint Edwards’s work has been featured on Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Huffington Post. He’s the author of the book This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things.

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