Exhausted Mom Gives 21 Reasons Sex Isn’t Happening Tonight

Tired Mom

Remember when you were younger and always up for it? I always “knew” that would change when kids came along, but I didn’t realize how much. Some nights, it’s just not going to happen.

Why? Because:

  1. The kids used me as a wrestling buddy today.
  2. I got tricked into watching a birth video on Facebook.
  3. There has been a baby nursing on me all day and if something else touches my boobs I will FLIP OUT.
  4. This is the only time I can catch up on what I have missed that past three Sundays in a row on “The Walking Dead.”
  5. I haven’t gotten to shower in two days; trust me, you don’t want to have sex with this right now.
  6. My sweatpants are just sooooooooo comfortable.
  7. I had to scrub the kids’ bathroom today, and it will be some time before I can burn the images of that filth from my mind.
  8. I think the 4-year-old gave me his cold.
  9. I think the 2-year-old gave me her cough.
  10. I think the dog gave me her penchant for doing nothing whenever possible.
  11. I ate half a package of Reese Cups for dinner because I couldn’t get my shit together to cook, and now I have the bloats.
  12. My leg hair, like my life, is out of control.
  13. I worked out already this morning; I don’t think I can exercise anymore today.
  14. I haven’t slept in five years FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET ME CLOSE MY EYES FOR 10 MINUTES.
  15. Isn’t it more fun to cuddle and fall asleep during the opening credits of that movie we keep trying to watch?
  16. I’m preoccupied with having to put together the “All About Me” poster our son has due tomorrow that I haven’t yet started.
  17. The baby’s diaper was so foul today that I swear I can still smell it. Oh, God, it’s on me, isn’t it?
  18. The kids watched “What Does the Fox Say?” 50 times today, and I know I’ll be singing that in my head the whole time we do it.
  19. It’s laundry day, and I have my granny panties on, and I’d like to keep SOME kind of mystery in our marriage.
  20. I keep trying, but the damn dirty 30s just won’t wake up.
  21. I promise if you let me sleep tonight, we can have sex all night tomorrow. Pinky promise.

Go enjoy more of Kate’s sarcastic sense of humor at her blog, My Kind of Parenting, or here on Facebook.

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