25 Comments Parents With Older Kids Need To Stop Saying To New Parents

Mom Covering Mouth

I need to thank all the parents who have given me good, sound advice. Not only are you a beacon of hope in my life, but you are also a diamond in the rough, because many, many other parents are complete dumbasses. Now, those parents with older kids…

Perhaps they have just forgotten what it’s like to have little kids, like, still-needs-a-diaper little or still-wants-to-ride-in-the-grocery-cart little.

If you have young children and know parents of older kids, I bet you have heard at least one of these fly out of their yapping jaws before:

“Sounds like you and your husband need a date night. Get a sitter and go; it can’t be that hard.”

(Cool, I’ll just leave my kids in a basket on someone’s doorstep with a few applesauce pouches and an iPad, NBD.)

“Getting a child to sleep is easy. Just put her in the crib and walk away.” (Did … did you just say “sleep” and “easy” in the same sentence to me? One throat punch, coming up.)

“When you say you need ‘mommy time,’ it makes you sound selfish.” (When you say that, it makes you sound like an asshole.)

“He rubbed a dirty diaper all over the carpet again? You need to put a stop to that.” (Oh, I was going to let it continue because my carpet-scrubbing skills need practice.)

“Why does your hair look like that?” (Yikes. Is it baby food? Poop? Play-Doh? No? My hair is just messy and greasy? I call that a win.)

“Why is she crying so much?” (Because she’s a baby.)

“Why does he need his diaper changed again?” (Because he’s a baby.)

“Why is he obsessed with pulling on your hair?” (Because he’s a baby.)

“Why is she always trying to jump off the couch?” (Because she’s a baby.)

“You look so tired, poor thing! Baby keeping you up?” (I actually thought I looked great today, but thanks for that.)

“You know, you really shouldn’t let the kids draw on the walls.” (Unless this becomes the new look, in which case, I’m a fucking trendsetter.)

“If you put your kid in ‘time out’ more, he won’t tantrum.” (GTFO.)

“Oh, just throw the kids in the car and drive 400 miles to come see us because we miss you. That’s easy, right?” (We’ll even sing “Kumbaya” and hold hands the whole way!)

“What in the world are you feeding her? That diaper was horrendous.” (I know, right? Her diapers typically smell like rainbow-flavored ice cream kisses.)

“I mean, does it REALLY matter if she skips a nap?” (Do I REALLY need to answer that?)

“If you disciplined your child more, he wouldn’t want to run around the room like that.” (Right. Let’s beat kids into quiet submission.)

“Why do you complain about being a parent? It’s not that bad.” (Die. Just die.)

“So, the hotel is $400 a night, and the plane tickets are $500 each. Isn’t that so affordable?” (Wave good-bye to your college educations, children.)

“Well, you can save money by sleeping in the same room as your kids for a week straight.” (Sleeping?)

“Wow, your home/body/face/life USED to look so good … what happened?” (Kids.)

“We don’t eat dinner until 8 p.m., but I’m sure your family will be fine with that tonight, right?” (WE don’t care, but my kids will probably murder you and eat you before you ever make it to appetizers.)

“My kids never did that.” (Yes, they did.)

“No, really, my kids would NEVER do something like that.” (Then you got lucky.)

“It wasn’t luck. I just knew how to handle my kids.” (No, it was luck, and suggesting otherwise makes you a dickhead.)

“I’m not trying to be rude, but I mean, your kids are just, well, they are just …”

(Kids! They are kids! I have little kids and it’s tough and I’m tired and the house is always dirty and this is just life when you have little kids. Congratulations on your perfect existence; I hope your grandchildren hate you.)

Kate Meier has two kids and zero tolerance for people who criticize parents for bullshit reasons. Go enjoy her sarcastic sense of humor at her blog, My Kind of Parenting, or here on Facebook.


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3 Comments on “25 Comments Parents With Older Kids Need To Stop Saying To New Parents”

  1. I… uh… I’ve had many of these said by two separate people who DIDN’T have kids.

    One later had a daughter with her husband, which brought me endless internal sadistic glee – while, of course, keeping an elegantly understanding exterior.
    The other has had no children. Yet. I kind of hope she never does.

  2. I’m a mom of six, and I would never say any of those to a new parent. Except noting that you look tired, but that’s sympathy/empathy. Parenting is exhausting no matter how old your children are. Generally I tell people that my last night of full sleep was in 1995, and I expect to sleep again in the nursing home. I’m not quite sure I’m exaggerating.

    Most of those sound like things that would be said by people without children.

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