I snapped the photo above of the lost stuffed toy during a morning run. I thought about the kid who lost it and the parent probably looking for it and then thought how I felt bad for both but felt worse for the parent.
Then yesterday, here comes karma with a big old kick to the dick.
Both kids have a stuffed friend that means more to them than the Permanent Roommate, and I do. The Kid has a bear, and The Girl has a bunny. Both stuffed friends have body doubles but who the hell are any of us kidding children know the difference between their most prized possession and a cheap imitator.
The bear never leaves the house, but the bunny goes everywhere. She’s incredibly well traveled. She goes to preschool and grocery shopping and on vacations and play dates and even to pick up The Kid from school. After school always involves hanging out at the playground and then a walk home and hanging out until PR gets home.
Bunny made the walk to school and the walk home but right around the time we all cruised up to the house…something happened. No one had bunny, and no one was looking for the bunny.
So PR gets home and dinner is over and we’re off to the mall to raid the local Stride Rite because they’re going out of business and will only be online and we got five pairs of shoes and a couple pairs of socks for $99 and you’re all leaving right now and DAMN IT I NEED TO SAVE SHIT LIKE THAT UNTIL THE END OF THE STORY.
For those that stuck around….
And The Kid and the girl both look at me and I look back and we all give that face like when everyone realizes a friend they went to the bar with has been MIA for three hours and suddenly everyone is all “where’s George?” and so everyone starts looking for George and replaying the last place they saw him. “Well he was over by the shuffleboard table talking to the girl with one eye” but now she’s talking to some LAX bro and damn, George, you couldn’t seal the deal with a girl missing her eyeball?!? George is gone and now the entire bar is looking for him except the one friend who’s miming looking for him but just trying to get another beer. Yeah, that was my son, giving the old “bunny isn’t over here” while he’s face deep in a bin of LEGO and making laser noises.
And now I’m starting to panic because not only is the favorite bunny gone but I was the last responsible adult around before bunny went AWOL and yes it’s her fault for misplacing it, but I’ve got to watch her AT ALL TIMES, so it’s my partially my fault according to the look the Permanent Roommate is shooting me every time we pass one another while looking for the fucking bunny. “HE’S NOT IN HERE EITHER!” the kid shouts from the freezer with his hand in a box of ice cream cones.
And the next thought that pops into my mind is the photo of the lost stuffed animal and about karma and how karma isn’t what people think. Karma is about payback for a life lived and payback comes in the next life. So, in this case, my sin was laughing about the lost toy and my karma would come in my next life when I become a lost toy or possibly a stripper named Karma. Whatever the case, I’m convinced taking the photo brought about this unfortunate turn of events.
We all jump in the truck to retrace our steps from the afternoon and I pull out of the spot in front of the house and PR yells “there it is!” and bunny is laying face down on the sidewalk in front of the neighbor’s house and ironically that’s the same way we’d always find George. The Girl starts crying a happy cry because bunny is back but she knows she kinda screwed up and the PR is relieved because we’ve avoided a lifetime of crying and pain. “Bunny isn’t in here either!” the kid yells from a crawl space under the house and the PR and my daughter and I all look at one another then out the car window realizing OH SHIT we almost left the house without The Kid and finally we’re at the mall getting new shoes with laces that will all be tied to one another so we’ll never lose anything, or anyone, ever again.
Other Stuff I Wrote When I Wasn’t Traumatizing My Kids
I wrote a humorous post about over-the-counter penis pills. Yes, I get paid for that stuff.
This husband has been visiting his wife’s grave every day for seven straight years and the feels are real.
I’ve been creating some cool notebooks and mugs over on Tee Public. Give them a look.
Other Stuff I Saw That I Thought Was Cool As Hell
Here’s a humorous but helpful video about how to gain more self-confidence because who couldn’t use self-confidence? No one! That’s who!
Let’s all put our pocket change together and buy the “Great Gatsby” house. I’ll draw up a calendar to coordinate who gets it on which weekend.
My friend Jo has been writing a really funny column called “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” and you should read it immediately.
Stuff I’d Want If I Had More Money
This cat scratcher is awesome, but seriously, how fucking spoiled is your cat?
Disney princess bikinis for adults. I’m down.
I never knew doormats could be so hilarious.
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