How To Make A Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich In 243 Simple Steps


If you’re like me (and shit I hope not for your sake), you’re constantly making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because it’s the only real food your child will eat. I really don’t consider PB&J real food but it’s at least made from things that were once food. Jelly is made from grapes or strawberries and now it’s made from grapes and chemicals that sound like villains from the Marvel Universe.

“Prepare to meet your end, Iron Man!”

“Not this time Xanthum Gum!”

But back to the sandwich. Let’s take this step by step for all the new parents or people who thought this was actually going to be a legit demonstration.

Step #1: Grab all of the overpriced condiments from the cupboard. The expensive all natural peanut butter, the high-end jelly, the bread that costs as much as a car payment. For all of those parents who use the cheap peanut butter, high fructose jelly and white bread, congrats on not loving your child.

Step #2: Apply equal amounts of peanut butter and jelly to the bread. Make sure to take it all the way to the corners. Be sure that one side is only peanut butter and the other is only jelly. Only insane people put the peanut butter and jelly on the same side. And if you’re one of those people who buys the PB&J all in the same jar, what’s it like living on planet crazy?

Step #3: Cut the crusts. I’m not sure why or when this became a thing, since it’s all just bread, but at some point in time some little kid arbitrarily decided “I DON’T WANT CRUSTS” and now it’s a thing every parent does. Maybe the crust is where all the gluten lives? I don’t know.

Step #4: Take the crusts and shove it inside the sandwich because screw them this bread costs $50 a loaf and you’re not wasting a crumb.

Step #5: Decide if you’re going to cut the sandwich into squares or triangles, but don’t spend too much time overthinking it, because you’re going to be wrong whatever you choose. If you cut it in triangles, the kid will want squares. If you cut it in squares, he’ll want rhombuses. Just make sure to put the knife down when he freaks out about the shape or you’ll contemplate cutting yourself into shapes.

Step #6: Since the child will not stop crying over his triangles, go ahead and make a whole new sandwich. It’s the only way out of this mess.

Step #7: Be sure to make it a full meal by adding a side of cheesy dildos and some sugar water. Serve the meal with an Amazon Kindle or smart phone and hide under the steps until the battery dies.

Step #8-242: Follow these steps again, every day, for the next decade. Try not to cry while assembling the sandwich. Try not to stab yourself in the ear with the knife. Try not to blame your life choices. Try not to think of yourself a terrible parent for only feeding your kid PB&J when actually they’re just a terrible child for not being open to any other foods.

Step #243: Try not to take any of this seriously.


Leave a Reply