Grocery Shopping Is One Step Above Hell — Parenting Tip #310

Hunger Games Grocery Store

Our grocery store has been under renovation for what feels like 8 years but might be closer to 8 months. Every visit involves a new flow of cart traffic, another section moved to temporary locations, food items stocked in a completely new area and no more fancy cheese section. I’ve never purchased a morsel from the uppity cheese vendor but it felt good to know he was there just in case people ever visited our house again.

“Hi cheese man! We’re having people over tonight! I know, right! Real fucking people, over the age of 35, want to hang out with us! What kind of cheese will make them want to come back? Great. I’ll take a wheel.”

The biggest clusterfuck happens in the produce area. After ten minutes of cart bumping, I want to break an organic eggplant over the heads of some crunchy dads and soccer mamas.

Last week, we entered the store from a side entrance, in the liquor section. This made the shopping trip so much easier because we got the kids super drunk and they passed out before we hit the cereal aisle. Instead of bagging produce first and getting super pissed off for the rest of the trip, we grinned and bared it, muttering to one another “this is almost over. We can do it!”

If your grocery store has a liquor section, I recommend starting from that end. Or just staying on that end and blowing all your grocery money on wine.

“Attention Cheese Man! Please join us by the Australian reds. Bring two wheels.”

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