So you gave your child a stupid name. You’re not alone. Here’s how to make it up to him and her without having to say you’re sorry.
Naming a baby isn’t easy. I’ll admit as much. Check out my last name. I can sympathize. That said, there is a set playlist from which people can choose. There are thousands and thousands of perfectly acceptable names. Nope. People have to be different. People have to settle on a stupid baby name.
I thought maybe the months of sleep deprivation had caught up with my mind. I heard the names come from my TV, saw the spelling, repeated the names out loud, looked at the spelling once again and started a nationwide manhunt for the parents stupid enough to name their twin daughters Xanthe and Xoe (pronounced Zanthe and Zoe).
Congrats. On their first week of life you’ve already done permanent damage to your kid. This is just some of the funny parenting advice no one else will tell you.
The name won’t matter for the first few years but the minute the other little Hersey squirters learn how to speak and talk, they’ll find a way to torture your kid about their stupid name. It will last until they are dead and buried or pay the money to change it legally.
You gave the kid a stupid name. Make it up to them by doing one or all of the following…
Give The Kid An Awesome Nickname
They need a sweet as balls nickname. Sweet AS balls. Not actually Sweet Balls. Unless it suits the bill. You can quickly erase a bad name by giving the little tike a bad ass nick name to carry with him/her through life.
Hammer, Donkey Schlong, Jagged Blade and Scurvy are sweet names off the top of my head. For girls, something sweet like Ginger-gina, Tasty or The Funk Is Your Deal Ramrod? (question mark included) are good monikers that should keep the other catty women at bay for a couple decades.
Don’t: No unoriginal play on their real name like B-Dog. No damn initials.
Train The Kid To Be A Lethal Weapon
Since you’ve already set him or her up to be tease every single day of school until graduation, the least you can do is train them to be a silent assassin should they have to defend themselves from bullies and bitches. Enlist the help of a retired Marine. Turn your basement into a dojo and send them down to work for an hour every day on techniques to paralyze and opponent on the playground or behind the 7-11 after school. Remind them that teachers and some authority figures might be a bully in disguise. Aim to maim.
Don’t: Train them yourself unless you’re also an assassin with no soul. It won’t be easy punching your own offspring in the gummy Chicklets. Well, sometimes it isn’t.
Turn The Kid Into A Meme
Few people get a real fifteen minutes of fame. The fact is, with the internet, there is no more fifteen minutes because they can go for months, years and decades. Make up for the fact that you named your kid after a dish detergent by making them a superstar on the world wide web. Catch them in the act of doing something adorable like getting drugged up after a pain dental procedure or explaining how they’ll defend their family in the event of a monster attack.
Don’t: Take the shortcut and do a reality show. Toddlers and Tiaras is a sting operation for pedophiles and parents that should lose custody. You’ve been warned y’all.
Buy The Kid A Shark
Do you know any kid with a pet shark? Exactly. The little brat could be named Bastion Burger or Uranus Stukey, if they own a fucking shark they will be the envy of every little kid within a hundred mile radius. Once the kids outside of a hundred miles find out about the pet shark, fit is really gonna hit the shan. They’ll have a hundred friends over a day all wanting to watch the shark during feeding time. What’s on the menu today? Surfer arms and the neighbor’s dog Foxy Boxer.
Don’t: Settle for a dolphin. Puss.
Host booze parties
Remember the cool parents back in the day that let their kids and their friends drink? They even bought the booze and handed it out but “took the keys” from everyone at the door. Welcome to You 2.0. Double the awesome because you look like the cool parent in front of all the kids AND you know exactly where your children are on a Tuesday afternoon. After twenty minutes, call the cops, leave the house and wait for them to arrive. Then pull up right behind them and ask your kid “just what the hell is going on?!?” They have to forgive you, you bought them a shark.
Don’t: Buy “Mike’s Hard Anything” for the party. Christ, did that need to be said?
Give Their Sibling An Even Worse Name
You screwed up. You were a young, impressionable parent and didn’t realize the life long effect such a stupid name like Justin Time or Bluebell Madonna was going to have on their psyche. Make it up to them by giving them a younger sibling with an even stupider name. For every Jaffar Jackson there is a Jermajesty. For every Apple Martin, there is a Moses. It softens the blow to know there is someone else suffering the same pain, for much longer. It also makes up for the fact the kid has such an asshole for a parent.
Don’t: Give your kid a stupid name.